Baby Got Wand
by Airelle Vilka
Summary: Based on METMA Mandy's filk. A highly disturbing tribute to Ferret Boy, one of our favorite Slytherins. (Be afraid.)


Baby Got Wand  
By: Airelle Vilka  
Professor of Illusions  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back" or Harry Potter, or Snape (although I'd looove to). I don't own Malfoy, either. Thank God for that. :)  
  
WARNING: MATURE. And to all my pals: This is the only thing of its kind I've ever written, don't be scared. I don't know what was in that Pepsi...  
  
This is a tribute to Mr. Malfoy, whom I don't actually like. (But the thought of me writing like that about my beloved Snape *walks off laughing hysterically* He'd kill me.) KUDOS TO METMA MANDY, THIS IS ALL HER FAULT, SHE GAVE ME THE IDEA, AND I CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. Check out her "Baby Got Scar." Credit to Mandy, I love you!!! :)  
P.S. I have no idea why Herm's singing part of this...  
  
~*~  
  
Prelude: *Hermione and another Gryffindor talking*  
Oh, my God, Hermione. Look at his wand. It is SO big. He looks like one of those Slytherin girls' boyfriends. Who understands those Slytherin girls? They only talk to him because he looks like a total sex god! I mean, his wand, it's just so big. I can't believe...it's just so long. It's just out there. He's just so...hot!  
  
*Hermione, alone*  
I like big wands and I cannot lie  
You other ladies can't deny  
That when Draco walks in with an itty-bitty waist  
And that long wand in your face   
You get hot!  
You wanna pull up tough,   
Cause you notice that wand was stuff  
Those flowin' black robes he's wearin'  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh baby, I wanna get wich ya  
And take a Muggle picture  
My girlfriends tried to warn me  
But that wand you've got makes me so horny.  
  
*Pansy Parkinson stands up and pushes Herm out of the way*  
  
Ooh, all that pale skin  
You say you wanna get on my broom?  
Well shock me, rock me, cause you ain't that average hottie.  
I seen ya dancin'. To hell with romancin'.  
One hundred volt, (Harry's a dolt), YOU got it goin' like a Firebolt.  
I'm tired of Daily Prophets, sayin' small wands are the thing  
Take the average witch and ask her that:  
The Malfoy Fan Club's back!  
  
So ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah)  
D'you love Draco Malfoy's wand? (hell yeah)  
So shake it, shake it, use that magic wand.   
Baby got wand!  
(Gorgeous face with a killer wand, yeah!)   
Draco got wand!  
(Gorgeous face with a killer wand, yeah!)  
  
*Slytherin girls dressed like snake charmers strut onto the stage*  
  
I like 'em big, not small.  
And when I'm throwin' a ball  
I just can't help myself  
I'm actin' like an animal  
Now here's the scandal:  
  
I wanna get him home and  
Uh, shake that wand, uh, uh  
I ain't talkin' bout PlayWitch  
Next to Malfoy, those guys can go to the ditch  
I want him real wicked and sexy  
So gimme Draco on the double  
Slytherin girls in trouble  
Beggin' for a Malfoy to gobble  
So I'm lookin' at Witch Weekly  
Goody-two-shoes and Potter galore  
You can keep 'em scarred freaks  
I'll have Draco any day of the week!  
  
A word to all those Malfoys:  
I wanna get wid ya; I won't cry or hit ya  
But ya gotta be ready when I say wanna  
do magic 'til the break of dawn.  
Baby, he's got it goin' on!  
Gryffindors won't like this song  
'Cause they only like to play Quidditch  
Draco'd rather stay and play other things  
  
*little pint-sized witch singing*  
  
Malfoy's hot, Rotter's not!  
Just look at that wand he's got!  
  
So ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah)  
Does your wiz have a big wand, ladies? (yeah)  
Turn around, stick it out  
All us witches got to shout.   
Baby got wand.  
  
Spoken Interlude:  
Yeah Baby, when it comes to wands, Ollivander's ain't got nothin' to do with my selection. 12 inches, heh, only if that's the tip!  
  
So your wizard rides a Firebolt  
Playing Seeker for Gryffindor  
But a Malfoy has skill and that's no lie  
We Slytherin witches don't want none unless you're Draco hun!  
You can whittle it and sharpen  
But please don't lose that wand  
Jealous wizards play that hard role  
And tell us Malfoy's wand ain't gold  
So they diss him   
and hiss (at) him  
But I wanna ride up quick and kiss him.  
So Gryffies say he's mean  
I say "Go and eat your spleen!"  
'Cause his silver hair and his wand are kickin'  
And I'm thinkin' about stickin'  
To the little boys on the Gryffindor team?  
You ain't it darling.  
Give me a Malfoy, I can't resist him,  
He's the hot-rod, can't miss him.  
Hermione tried to dis  
'Cause a Malfoy's on my list  
She had game but she chose to hit him  
And I pull up quick to get wid him  
So if you want a Malfoy, hun  
And you want to have some fun,  
Dial 1-800-DRACORULES, and Potter----kiss our bum!  
Baby got wand!!!!!  
  
~*~  
FINIS  
  
A/N:   
Snape: What were you smoking when you wrote that?  
Airelle: No idea. But be glad it wasn't about you. Malfoy was the only other Slytherin I knew....I mean, I cannot write something like that about Crabbe or Goyle......hehehe. But I REALLY WANTED TO write that song about you.  
Snape: You WHAT??!!!???  
Airelle: *grins*  
  
Another Note: I am NOT a Gryffindor hater, by the way. :) I may not like Malfoy, but I love my Potions Master..... ;) 


End file.
